Mental Illness and the Shidduch Process
Yaira Dubin
Issue date: 2/26/09 Section: Features
The history of mental illness is a frightening saga of suspicion and hate, suspended through centuries where its root and its effects were deeply misunderstood. Being that witch-hunts, restraints, and total confinement were common responses, mental illness was a label no one wished to receive. However, mental illness has been totally redefined in more modern times, becoming a complicated, sensitive issue that needs to be carefully dealt with. With the advent of medicine, psychoanalysis, and other therapies capable of ameliorating the symptoms, many of the 26.2% of the American population afflicted with mental illness live perfectly normal, unaffected lives. This turnabout in society's approach to mental illness and those afflicted by it has ramifications in the Jewish world as well, particularly in the shidduch (matchmaking) world. For shadchanim [matchmakers], the question of dealing with mental illness within the spectrum of the shidduch process becomes a daily decision with no perfect solution.
Mental illness can be a sensitive issue within the shidduch process. Dr. Yael Muskat, head of the Counseling Center on Yeshiva University's Beren Campus, admits that some members of society may attach a stigma to mental illness, but hypothesizes that the fears people may have about how mental illness could affect their shidduch prospects may be worse than the reality itself. "In my experience," continues Dr. Muskat, "students have been very understanding and interested in learning more about depression and are very supportive of one another. In terms of how we [at the Counseling Center] try to dispel the stigma, we try to focus on mental health problems as not being the defining characteristic of a person, and to educate people about the nature of these conditions, many of which are temporary and very treatable."
There is no universal policy applicable to all situations when deciding what, when, and how much to disclose when dealing with the delicate interplay between mental illness and relationships. Knowing the societal stigmas attached to mental illness, the advice and guidance shadchanim give to their clients experiencing varying degrees of mental illness has to be carefully considered and applied. "Every situation should be considered individually and carefully," says Dr. Efrat Sobolofsky, director of YU Connects, Yeshiva University's new program aimed at facilitating and guiding social networking opportunities for YU undergraduates and alumni singles. "It is advisable that each person consult with his or her mental health professional and his or her rav [rabbi] to seek guidance on the right time to share his or her particular condition when dating a prospective mate."
Mental illness can be a sensitive issue within the shidduch process. Dr. Yael Muskat, head of the Counseling Center on Yeshiva University's Beren Campus, admits that some members of society may attach a stigma to mental illness, but hypothesizes that the fears people may have about how mental illness could affect their shidduch prospects may be worse than the reality itself. "In my experience," continues Dr. Muskat, "students have been very understanding and interested in learning more about depression and are very supportive of one another. In terms of how we [at the Counseling Center] try to dispel the stigma, we try to focus on mental health problems as not being the defining characteristic of a person, and to educate people about the nature of these conditions, many of which are temporary and very treatable."
There is no universal policy applicable to all situations when deciding what, when, and how much to disclose when dealing with the delicate interplay between mental illness and relationships. Knowing the societal stigmas attached to mental illness, the advice and guidance shadchanim give to their clients experiencing varying degrees of mental illness has to be carefully considered and applied. "Every situation should be considered individually and carefully," says Dr. Efrat Sobolofsky, director of YU Connects, Yeshiva University's new program aimed at facilitating and guiding social networking opportunities for YU undergraduates and alumni singles. "It is advisable that each person consult with his or her mental health professional and his or her rav [rabbi] to seek guidance on the right time to share his or her particular condition when dating a prospective mate."
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